I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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