This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
