We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
