There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
