I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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