You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
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Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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