I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You pole danced in your parka.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
