I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
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Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
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Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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