Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
