Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
