wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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