I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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