just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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