i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
