Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
