I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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