I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
