she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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