There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
