every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
