Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
