Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
