can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
