I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
