I wish you could order shots online.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
