i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
