and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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