it's too hot outside to masturbate.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
