Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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