So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
There r osticjed everywhere
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
