i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
