saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
my liver is dry heaving
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
