cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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