Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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