I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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