All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
