Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
