my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
