I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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