I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
