My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
