And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
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A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
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I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
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