There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
