In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
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Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
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I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.