I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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