So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
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I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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