Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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