When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
