Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
