Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
