I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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