Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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