Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
