hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
